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 Jokez!

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ThaFoxZ




PostSubject: Jokez!   Mon Sep 13, 2010 1:07 pm

Oh teh yes!

(translated into English so please dont spank me)

A businessman opens his new office when he suddenly receives a bunch of flowers from a friend with the text: 'Rest in Peace'.
Its obvious there has been a mistake so the businessman calls the dude from the flowershop and starts complaining.
The dude from the flowershop says: I'm very sorry sir! but there is something that is even worse. Today there is a funeral somewhere... and thats the place were you're flowers are being delivered to with the text: 'congratulations with your new location!'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokez!   Mon Sep 13, 2010 4:06 pm

I think lofty's heaven joke and his voodoo dick joke deserve a place in this thread.
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ThaFoxZ




PostSubject: Re: Jokez!   Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:45 am

Don't know were to find them O_o

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PostSubject: Re: Jokez!   Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:46 pm

I've got his Goldfish story. 's a lot of good jokes come from Lofty...




Do you own a goldfish?

Before you read this story, just answer one question to yourself.

The answer should be a simple yes or no, here is the question:

Do you have a goldfish? Just answer yes or no, and then read below.

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a Rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a Stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the Occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets The better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet He sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several Beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering What you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a Pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large Garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a Large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active With your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often.

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker........
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ThaFoxZ




PostSubject: Re: Jokez!   Fri Oct 01, 2010 8:17 am

FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!

1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out.
My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do you think illiterate people
get the full affect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the walls.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

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